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Dutch EDM star Tiësto is set to give up DJing after Netherlands were dumped out of the World Cup on penalties on July 9th.

The DJ, famous for abandoning trance music for a more profitable EDM sound, promised on Twitter that should the Dutch national team lose to Argentina then he would give up DJing for good – the screengrab of which you can see above.

“I’m gutted to be giving up DJing, but I made a promise on Twitter and, like the Magna Carta or some other famous social contract, it’s a promise that can’t be broken,” explained Tiësto ahead of his scheduled appearance at Ultra in Croatia where he was sitting pensively on the balcony of a penthouse apartment staring out over the Adriatic sea as if wondering what he would do with his retirement.

“I kind of wish I’d never said it but I flew off at the mouth due to being high on my own sense of amazing-ness, money and Louis Van Gaal’s tactical acumen. It was a perfect storm.”

“I don’t really know what I’ll do now,” he wondered aloud unprompted by us which may have been a sign that he was deep in thought or going a bit mental. “Maybe I’ll return to Holland and finally get married to myself which, along with marrying your dog, the rain or a Solero ice cream, is legal by Dutch law.”

Retiring from the balcony to what he ambiguously described as “wanking time”, Tiësto appeared a man broken by his own failed promise but also exuded an air of resigned hope that suggested giving up DJing to live a quiet life of masturbatory solitude was one which he would find happiness in.

Fellow EDM acts, like David Guetta and Armin Van Buuren, responded to the news of Tiësto’s retirement with sombre triumphalism as Guetta tweeted the heartwarming message of support “hahaha, I’ll win DJ Mag top spot now LOL” and posting an EDM mash up of the lyric “the day the music died” from American Pie which he is likely to release later this minute.

Other commentators and former fans of the one-time DJ suggested that “this isn’t actually news as he’d already given up DJing, about five years ago” and that it was selfish to just give up like that and “put all those sound and light technicians and ghost writers out of work”.



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